A Letter to my 20 Year Old Self

Exif_JPEG_420You should know that life won’t turn out exactly like you thought it would. The man you thought you couldn’t live without and would spend the rest of your life with, will shatter your heart, but you’ll live. In fact, he did you a favor by breaking up with you…even though it won’t feel like it at the moment. You’ll wonder how you’ll even sleep without him by your side, but you do. Food won’t even taste the same and you won’t feel like eating it, but you do. This will be one of many defining moments in your life because who you were going into this relationship and who you are coming out of it are almost two different people! You’ll find yourself open to different experiences which will expand your perspectives. The earth will rotate, the sun will rise and set, and you will heal. 

You’ll figure out that old saying of people come in to your life for a reason, season, or a lifetime is so true. You’ll struggle with it because you want everyone to stay forever but not everyone can or should. Your best friend, your soul sister who you talk to every day, the time will come when you go for months without talking. I know that’s hard to fathom because she’s the other side of your heartbeat. She’s hilarious and fun and everything you’d want in a sister if you had one. But your paths will not be the same and before you realize it you all have very little in common. You will struggle with this for years and still do. As a matter of fact, the 12 year old in me still listens for her heartbeat whenever we talk because I know it’s there. The earth will rotate, the sun will rise and set, and you will move on.

Daddy will get sick and need an operation and you’ll watch him tell you he loves you as he thinks he’s taking his last breath, but he doesn’t. He lives and for a while you will watch him like a hawk, because you’re scared, but he’ll be okay. You’ll take for granted that mommy is fine and doesn’t need you to watch over her as closely, but she does. But at the moment, you hover and pray and fret until he’s recovered. After all, you’re a daddy’s girl to the core. The earth will rotate, the sun will rise and set, and you will move on.

You and mommy will become closer than ever. Even if right now you all are barely speaking she will teach you what it means to be a strong, independent woman. You all will become best friends and you will understand how she came to be the woman she was in spite of all the odds. And then before you know it, she’ll be gone. And it will break you and shake the very foundation upon which you stand. How could it not? Her and daddy built your foundation. You’ll cry and wonder if you’ll forget the sound of her voice, but you won’t. You’ll cry and wonder if there was anything left unsaid. And while there were plenty of “I love you’s” shared, you’ll be grateful that that was the last thing you said before she left. You’ll have a lot of questions about why she had to leave and you’ll wish for one more “I love you” and the chance to hear her laugh, but you’ll find the strength to go on. Eventually you take great comfort in the fact that there were no issues left unresolved between the two of you. The earth will rotate, the sun will rise and set, and you will heal and smile again.

You’ll grow to understand that life cannot and will not be controlled. All you can control is your attitude and outlook. You will lose bits of yourself but find them in the compassion, kindness and patience of friends and family. You’ll learn that you don’t know everything and that’s okay. You’ll learn how to be comfortable with your own vulnerability. You’ll learn that God really is with you through the tears and laughter. You’ll become thankful for the simple things like waking up each morning and being able to put your feet on the ground. You’ll learn that your past mistakes do not define you, nor do your fears control you. You’ll appreciate that we all have battle scars and learn to find the beauty in them. And the earth will rotate, the sun will rise and set…

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